A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
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You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
Yup
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”