Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.

British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years

With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.

When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place

Nurse: Where does it hurt?

Me: *Points to heart*

Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!

Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*

CONDUCTOR: all aboard!

ME: i’m pretty bored

CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train

ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too

Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.

PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat

ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course

Kid: Everything poops?

Me: Kinda

K: Trees don’t poop

M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen

K: So we’re breathing tree poop?

M:

K:

M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?

I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.

Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?

Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.

HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact

me: i hear they’re the best

My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.

the prophecy has been fulfilled

Most women need a little reassurance.

Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.

The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice

Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winks

Him:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid

That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.

I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time

[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?

Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.

The Backseat Boys

me: cheeseburgers are better than sex

her: maybe you’re doing it wrong

me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon

her: I meant sex

me: me too

I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”

[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.

Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.

Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”

Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider

“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”

Expecting Parents,

PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.

Sincerely,
Marlana

this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen