a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
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People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.