A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
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*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
It’s so funny how dracula in marvel is a thing and he is constantly in the background as a looming threat but noone cares but blade
In search of a lawyer who handles the most heinous of crimes. My 4yo woke me up at 5:30 this morning by sneezing in my face and then hopped away like a bunny.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Chatting to an old couple there going to Majorca. He was so upset. Said he wished he’d brought his piano with him. I explained that it wouldn’t go in the hold and that he’d be back soon enough. He said he understood that, but he’d left their tickets and passports on it.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
Given my tendency to overthink, it would be reasonable to expect my decisions to be better.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
(therapist voice)
Please, lie down on the shrouch.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
starting conversations with short people by saying “back when i was your height…”
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.