[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
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Note to self:
Do NOT try shopping for a pearl necklace online. Ever. Again.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
Once a baby dragon flew out in front of my car and I screamed. Turned out it was just a pheasant.
I have lots of good stories like this.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
[date at rooftop bar]
give me ur hand
“Is tha-are u wearing a squirrel tail?”
*rips off jacket to reveal flying squirrel suit* do u trust me
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Since Walking Dead isn’t on I’ve hid pot from my stoner friends. As they amble around looking for it I’m shooting them with paint ball guns.