A bear went into a bar.

“I’d like a whiskey…….

and coke.”

Bartender asks “why the long pause?”

Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.

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God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?


My suit made entirely of Hello Kitty Bandaids did not help me much at my hospital interview. Apparently you have to go to medical school.


Me: How much for the goth cucumber?

Clerk: That’s a cactus…


Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.

But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”


The lady at the bakery who draws her eyebrows on is looking extra surprised today


Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being

Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-

Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters


If you’re under 130 lbs and call yourself fat I’m sending all my actual fat friends to eat you.


me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*

dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash


ME: *holding door wide open for her*

HER: Are you saying I’m fat?


who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed