“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
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bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.