“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
You Might Also Like
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
but if i put my laundry away, the laundry chair will be out of a job
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”