I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
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Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
shampoo implies shampee
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.