Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.

Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.

I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.

“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up

Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.

“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.

I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.

I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.

I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.

Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.

GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.

MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong

Netflix: we added a show you might like

Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like

Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer

Me: go on

Netflix: who fall in love

Me: that sounds ok

Netflix: starring Paul Rudd

Me: *calls in sick*

“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.

Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.

My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.

[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”

Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me

Accidentally saying Yes I would like a receipt and having to wait half an hour while the kiln is heated and the tablet is fired

I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore

“How do you talk to an angel”

Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?

“How do you hold her close to where you are”

Me: Aren’t most angels men?

every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences

[bedtime]

SON: Can you leave the light on?

ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?

SON: What?

ME: What?

Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”

Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”

You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”

Doctor: Step on the scale.

Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?

Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?

Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?

I threw up my hands in disgust last night.

Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.

No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.

My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?

Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.

Me: *buys item from online retailer*

Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW

Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.