Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Almost just got hit by an ambulance, which would have been handy I guess.

realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions

Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.

My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea

Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁

I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.

Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops

Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”

My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful

Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.

My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.

I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”

Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken

Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.

*Speed dating*

Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”

Him: “No.”

Me: “Next.”

It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii

People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse

Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.

My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.

journal

I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once

It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently

embroidery proof arrived and as expected, it does not make my wife laugh

Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.

“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”

The theme park we’re going to in the morning has free unlimited soft drinks. So if my calculations are correct, the kids will have diabetes by 1 pm.

People complain about jury duty as if listening to true crime all day and being sequestered at night isn’t secretly every mother’s fantasy.

How to open a letter:

1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO

The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.

[being robbed]

Me: careful.. I’m ARMED

*whips out bible

Robber: lol

*pulls gun out of bible

R: oh

*pulls smaller bible out of gun

My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*

I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”