Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am absolutely never leaving this website

I think my first day working for Microsoft is going really well.

Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.

Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?

did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,

Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.

Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.

Me: wtf

Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!

Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon

*whips out tampon*

“Now weigh me”

Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life

$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here

“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”

~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.

Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.

MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?

There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t

Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.

“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”

*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!

Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class

“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.

Me: I am forever in your debt

Bank manager: That is accurate

I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20

I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.

Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.

Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”

just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.

My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”

I think I’m good.

I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.

Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93

A song I wrote for the happy couple: “Julie, Letting You Go Was Without A Doubt the Biggest Mistake of My Life.”

I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.