A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
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I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
New hires be happy af 😂😂 You bouta see why we was hiring 🤣
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
the clam before the storm
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
Toasters aren’t governed by that little dial.
They have free will.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.