A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
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I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
{4 way stop}
Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Terribly Tuesday.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS