A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
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If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
There’s nothing like new glasses to make you realize you should get new glasses more often than every five years. Like, ah yes, trees have leaves. Birds. I’d forgotten all about them.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.