a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
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The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
My 8yo made breakfast* for himself and his younger brother, and I’m so proud
*opened popsicles
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Got chased by a swan this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
Story idea: Man has his palm read, is told he will be killed within a year surrounded by penguins.
Man cancels his upcoming trip to Antarctica, avoids zoos, and then is shot dead at a Batman convention.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.