a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
You Might Also Like
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Yesterday one of my students told me that if he ever he runs into a teacher out in public he will never say hello because it would “Damage his street cred” so I reminded him that he has no street cred cause his mom still makes his lunch
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
When you put it that way… 😂
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
remember: when a band skips your city on tour it is always personal and they always hate you specifically
If you innocently act like you don’t know, people will explain dirty words to you and it’s hilarious.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
My husband met us at the park and surprised me with a large iced coffee and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I just had a large iced coffee so now I’m vibrating and going to piss myself
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman