Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*kneels to pray*

“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”

Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.

Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.

*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.

Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.

[Taken Nemo]

*Clam phone rings*

Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.

“It’ll be dead soon. Nature abhors a vacuum.”
-commentsivehadafew

Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79

*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*

[giving cops my statement after my house was robbed by the breakdancing burglar] no music but he was still hittin that shit

[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]

Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—

Real mother: get out.

[credits roll]

My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy

It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.

Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”

And then they eat all your fries.

LADIES imagine this,

its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little

me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son

wife: of course not, where is he

me: I just told you

My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.

Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.

If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢

Parents: violence is never the answer

Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA

How to get a woman:

1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep driving

She’s yours now, plus you have a new car.

Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.

have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…

Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate

Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.

I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.

*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*

I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.

*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST

When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”

The Sun’s probably Asian.