A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
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Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
I’m cryingdjdjdhj and she was serious too 😭😭😭
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.