A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
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The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
I just squealed when I saw my daughter brought home 2 lost water bottles from school. This is my life now.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
Trying to explain to a patron that because of their behavior they’ve been asked to leave the library.
“I did leave the library,” they say.
“Yes, but then you turned around and came right back in. You can’t just respawn.”
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.