A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
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(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
😭😭
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Why do parents bust into your room like they are trying to see you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something 😭😂
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Some people were born into their job.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Me: I hate it when people make me wait.
Chef: Just do your job and take this to the table.
Yes
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
I come from a family of failed magicians.
I have 2 half sisters
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name