Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do men still open car doors?

That 👊

me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.

Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind

Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”

Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.

Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world

Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*

i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony

[Frankenstein Castle]

MAMA: You need to make more friends

VICTOR: Fine…

{later}

MAMA: I should have been more specific

“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.

Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?

Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.

Santa: *deep sigh*

Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?

S: *shakes head*

MK: Covid?

S: *shakes head*

MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?

S: *nods vigorously*

people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”

[on a first date]

Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement

I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter

Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“

I bought a fridge magnet but it’s yet to attract a single fridge.

What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?

“Okay Nancy, try it now.”

“Alexa, homeschool the children.”

Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?

Wife: Well latel-

Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-

Attorney: Ok, got it

If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand

My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.

That

Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets

Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.

*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*

Wife: it’s still NO!

I can easily spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing but this guy was dressed like my grandmother which threw me off

[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy

Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.

Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.

Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.

Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.

“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”

Every child ever: No you’re not.

I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE