A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
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Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.