[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
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sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
Merica.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
I feel it
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to