[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
![]()
You Might Also Like
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
![]()
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
![]()
![]()
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?