Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime

respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”

Jeff Bezos this morning:

“Alexa, end my marriage”

My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.

Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.

My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.

*gives them a cookie when they come in*

My dogs are so stupid.

They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.

The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.

CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home

FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters

Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.

[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”

“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”

-butter

I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.

My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.

April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.

Cheers!

[about to climb Mt. Everest]

Me: omg is there no parking ?

I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics

Cashier: Big weekend plans?

Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.

Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.

3-year-old: OK

*breaks into song*

*turns on every talking toy*

*detonates fireworks*

Cop: Can I see some ID?

Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]

Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge

[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees

“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”

*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?

Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.

[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks

I pray every night that I never become religious…

Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.

If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…

Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?

i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign

[The year was 2050]

“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”

“There was a time when this was illegal you know”