A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
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It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
OH. COME. ON.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
If you’re wondering what a mom brain is I just looked for the milk in the microwave.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
You should be able to google why a couple broke up
Apparently someone’s been stealing patrol dogs.
Police say they have several leads
#Police
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
Me: *smugly* I couldn’t name any Taylor Swift Songs
Them: I think she already named them.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.