Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*me in a horror movie*

me: a knife? HA

killer: [pauses confused]

me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA

k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]

Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.

Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day

Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?

Me: How dare you

waiter: what’ll it be?

me: I’ll have chameleon

waiter: that’s not on the menu

me: how can you be sure?

I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.

My wife complains when mosquitoes get into the house, but she gets super mad when I release bats in the living room. Make up your mind, woman!

First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*

Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*

My kid: Teacher do you poop?

I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.

*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*

HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!

My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.

therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-

me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u

When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.

Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!

(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)

What they say: “Parenting is hard.”

What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”

*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.

Friend: are you mad?

Me: what no

Friend: you look mad

Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face

😸

Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.

Politics top tip: Gain people’s trust by telling them that everyone is lying to them.

My doctor says I’ve got to give up poorly thought out fruit-based jokes.
I was peachless when he told me.

Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?

…

CIA: They’re*

You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.

But it was nice of you.

[first date]

Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol

Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape

The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off

I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”

DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.

Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth

Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth

Bishop: no

My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.

[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese