A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
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10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
Hmm, not sure about this change
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1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:![]()
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
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The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?