Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”

My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.

To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…

them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.

me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.

them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to

me: that’s better

Covert ops

Calling in noise complaints on my own home so my neighbor thinks I’m cool

My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.

Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story

Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?

Me: Bank robbery

Therapist: That’s not a crime

Me: I’m out of ideas

20s: I’m on top of the world!

50s: stop the world I want to get off!

If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.

Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol

You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn

Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.

Told someone what city I live in.

“Oh are you married to a doctor?”

“No. My husband is though.”

Me: Babe, I got carded today!

Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.

I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.

I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.

Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”

I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate

Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not

*looking in The Mirror of Erised*

Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*

Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*

Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper

I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that

Enjoying a few cups of coffee at my enormous kitchen island while being scrutinized by my two friends, one of whom has a torso that is physically inside the island

me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit

her: that’s not so bad

[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luck

her: I see

Person: Home decor is a niche market.

Me: Baked flan with a savory filling thickened with eggs is a quiche market.

My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.

I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.

Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.

I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.