a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
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i hate the toilet paper math where the package says like “6 ROLLS = 33 ROLLS!” No it doesn’t.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
353 days a year folks are like “Does anyone still use libraries?”
On national holidays they’re all “WE NEED TO USE THE LIBRARY RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW”
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
I didn’t come here to be called names
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword