a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
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[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
Pro tip: Turn any sofa into a sofa bed by telling your girl to calm down.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Yes I do talk to myself, everyone else just wants to argue with me
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss