Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
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Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
“Too many boys”
GOD: Make them imperfect…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.