@ermahgarton

a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men

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@Pundamentalism

Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.

@drewjanda

Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think

@cravin4

A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?

@Skoog

therapist: and how do we react to conflict?

me: with sarcasm?

therapist: try again

me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM

therapist: much better

@NewDadNotes

God: you have terrible eyesight.

Bat: oh no.

God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.

Bat: sweet!

God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.

Bat:

God:

Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.

@clichedout

nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there

[later]

nurse: it’s empty

me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet

@KateWhineHall

Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!

7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.

@BigJDubz

Yard reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”

@JB4Realz

[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.