a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
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[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.