a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
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I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
The scariest pumpkins ever 😵🤣🎃
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
My medical alert bracelet says, “You can’t kill her. We’ve already tried. Like 7 times”
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Modded the new Gran Turismo