A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
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This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
I saw a guy biking in a park pulling his kid in a chariot behind him and I’ve never been more jealous of a toddler in my life.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
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ᴱ
ᴱ
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
I bet
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Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf