Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria

U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier

Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit

[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one

Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?

[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse

Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.

Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.

If someone starts a sentence with “Words can’t express,” brace yourself, because they’re about to give it a hell of a try anyway!

Dentists will turn to their nurses and say
‘A24 – fatal traumatic root eruption’
and then turn to you like ‘all healthy 👍’

waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain

freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later

A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.

Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?

GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.

JESUS: What’s a martyr?

GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?

Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)

GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this

TRICERATOPS: I have three horns

QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen

me: babe come quick

wife: what?

me: just hurry

wife: no, it’s always something dumb

me: not this time

*wife walks into living room*

me: i put the dog in a suit

wife: i want a divorce

me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator

I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.

If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.

When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.

i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click

*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no

[interview at J Crew]

interviewer: explain this gap on your resume

me: no

interviewer:

me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement

Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.

Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.

the best part about filling out doctor appointment forms online is when you get there and they say “hello please fill out these forms”

Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?

Me: *checks Fitbit*

The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.

Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt

DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?

ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?

I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.