a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
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Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Just this preview of the story is enough
what could possibly go wrong?
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.