A big dipper? in this astronomy?
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You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
don’t feel bad if you don’t succeed on your first try. it took Michael Angelo sixteen chapels
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?