A big dipper? in this astronomy?
You Might Also Like
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
pet owners be like “this is my pet john but their nicknames are booboo and thicky boy ”
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Good morning y’all ☀️
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
s
oc
i
a
l
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.