A big dipper? in this astronomy?
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At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
Lucky for them, they’re cute
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
My good tweets are in my other pants.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
I had to cancel my summer concert tour due to lack of ticket sales too so I know how Jennifer Lopez is feeling right now
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
