a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
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Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.