A big FUCK YOU to people driving small cars and pulling deep into parking spaces so I think I have a spot until the last second.
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“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
These 3D printers are insane!
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[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
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Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑