Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *wakes up sobbing*

Him: Again??

Me: I’m just so terrified…

Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”

Me: I know… I know.

Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.

“Theirye’re” problem solved

To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.

You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.

You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.

Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.

How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight

3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.

Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what

interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure

vanilla ice: *squinting* no

There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?

Vacation Summary:

I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.

Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.

[pulled over]

Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it

Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up

And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.

I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.

First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.

Please bear with my nonsense…

…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.

Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.

I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician

*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”

AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.

Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️

if i honk at this person maybe it will make them a better person

*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*

The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.

I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone

therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that

just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”

Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.

Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]

Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!