A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
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In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
hey i noticed you’re not saying what i want
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
Me: If we have a second date I’ll give you flowers
Her: Orchids?
Me: It’s a bit early for children, Sharon
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon