A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
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doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
I think the 2 yr old is ready to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I’m reading a podiatrist handbook. All it contains is footnotes
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming