Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.

Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.

me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?

Five Guys: thats a peanut.

◾️

How does North Korea only have four medals so far?

We’re the best at everything.

We even fed our athletes this time.

I just found a little piece of waffle in my pocket in the event you’re attracted to mysterious men

INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—

ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.

INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—

ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.

I can easily control the weather.

– buy a new $600 snowblower: no snow all winter
– spend $2000 on new gutters: severe drought
– buy steaks to grill outside: Sharknado

[ER]

Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet

Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg

D: Such as?

M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—

D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent

I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.

Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?

She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….

~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!

Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.

[at a restaurant]

me: i think i misread your tinder bio

squirtle: squirtle.

Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night

7: I want to be next to you

Me: Aww that’s so swee…

7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag

Me:

“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –

Obicron Kenobi

Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.

She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.

“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”

9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.

“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”

I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.

-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline

Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.

Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number

People: What the

Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.

accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off

I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery

I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.

ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school

roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]

7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?

Me: Cooking dinner.

7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?

Me: I have no idea.

Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”

I like that he just laid there without moving like I might not notice the cookie he slid over to himself

our love will go down in history

like the Hindenburg