A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
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Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
I believe it was Aristotle who once said “The fastest way to get you kids to stop screaming is to also start screaming.”
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not a jar of Nutella.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names
ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream