A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
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Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
You’d think a philharmonic orchestra would have at least one harmonica, but nope.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
(Boarding flight to Iowa)
9 yo: what kind of food do they eat in Iowa?
12 yo: corn on the cob
9 yo: what else?
12 yo: corn off the cob
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
I’m up at 5 am, knocking things off my to do list before half of you are even awake. Get on my level
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Are you a cat person or a person person?
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
I hope this email punches you square in the face
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁