Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My coffee and I used to be hot. Now, we’re just bitter.

15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?

Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*

4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.

Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE

Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO

just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat

Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS

Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.

Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.

Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.

Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.

How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.

I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”

Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.

Yes, yes, everyone is stupid except you.

Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL

There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school

My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one

Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.

me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered

everyone on this work call:

Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind

Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’

Me : Be there in 10 min

[invention of baseball]

Guy: I’ll throw the ball

Me: and I catch it

Guy: no hit it with a stick

Me: then what?

Guy: someone else will try to catch it

Me: what if I miss?

Guy: someone else will try to catch it

Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad

I am on my second week of biweekly pay so today I will be showing you how to make a quesadilla out of paper towels

I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.

[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]

saving face 👀

Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)

How about your kid?

hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?

diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.