A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
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Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
A lot can be said about the difference between a Guy and a Man
Someone known colloquially as the Noodle Guy could probably tell you about all sorts of different pasta shapes and what sauces pair with them
But The Noodle Man is someone known to authorities
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.