Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.

you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:

“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”

well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:

“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”

BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.

What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.

I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”

I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.

Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.

one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process

don’t be scared

Me: No guts, no glory.

Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.

Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.

Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?

Me: Never ask about my art

two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glof

no more questions

If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge

Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*

Satan:

Me:

Satan: Give it back…

My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke

Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”

My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.

Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.

If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..

You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.

Nicole Kidman said WHAT?!

You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago

Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?

Working at any office is like “Ok we’re transitioning to Salarya, but payroll is still in Bullfrog—did you see my Noosecock post? Submit your timecard on Fireplayce then jizz me on Smackdog . Do NOT upload to Crackerz without Yammer approval

hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat

Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?

~ Me as a therapist

If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you

A farmer asked his neighbor

“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”

“Castor oil”

The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”

“Killed mine too”

Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL

Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”

Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*

those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.