A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
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PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Lmao 🤣
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
Animal poetry
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
But I really needed water water water
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.