A billionaire has built a submersible, saying he wants to prove it’s still safe to visit the Titanic. Somebody tell these guys it wasn’t even safe to be ON the Titanic!
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Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
Doggies just call it style.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Never make a promise you can’t keep rescheduling.
coroner: [pulling sheet over dead man] he’s gone
me: whoa magic
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
mandolin: finally a violin for men
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!