A billionaire has built a submersible, saying he wants to prove it’s still safe to visit the Titanic. Somebody tell these guys it wasn’t even safe to be ON the Titanic!
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Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
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I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
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I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches