A billionaire has built a submersible, saying he wants to prove it’s still safe to visit the Titanic. Somebody tell these guys it wasn’t even safe to be ON the Titanic!
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[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
got too drunk in the vietnamese restaurant last night, they said i can never go back. they banh mi
Pickpocketed in London by a quite old man. Saw him whip my purse out of the side pocket of my bag. Was a nice purse I bought in Paris but swings and roundabouts – I use it to store my emergency travel tampons.
Have fun, tea leaf granda! Hope you only have a light to medium flow x
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
*Inspirational Tweets*
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
To the person trying to hack my account, I’ve just been sent this verification code: 928377.
Hope that helps.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes