A billionaire has built a submersible, saying he wants to prove it’s still safe to visit the Titanic. Somebody tell these guys it wasn’t even safe to be ON the Titanic!
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yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
sometimes I think about my physics professor who proudly brought his twin babies to class & w/tears in his eyes said I’ve been waiting my entire life to demonstrate the inertia twin paradox and started running around the classroom with one baby. I hope he’s having a good day
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears