a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
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Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
Anyone know what emoji I can use for “no mum, I don’t remember the woman who lived 4 doors down from us 36 years ago who had no neck”? x
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
“you changed” bro i was 15
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.