Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

to the tune of ‘everybody dance now’ himalayan sea salt

[meeting my gf’s parents]

gf: just please be serious

me: ok

[later]

gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now

me: I DID MY WAITING

gf: oh no

me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT

gf: please

me: IN AZKABAN

there was another, tinier cement truck inside

TSA agent: is…this a…cattle prod?

Me: it’s for the wankers who crowd the baggage carousel

TSA agent: oh right then. go ahead

Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.

my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy

Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.

Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying

Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.

Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*

No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.

Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.

me: I want to be handsome like my dad

friend: is your dad handsome?

me: no but he wants to be too

My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?

Me:

My cat: wow you sure nap a lot

Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.

From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.

My 7yo said she was a vegetarian & asked for a salad but then complained she wanted chicken on it but “NOT TOO MUCH chicken” because she’s a vegetarian but then she ate the chicken too fast so she’d “actually like more chicken” but “only on salads because I’M A VEGETARIAN.”

“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”

Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths

[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]

“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.

The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues

Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?

A: A cat. Cats love fish.

My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea

No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school

I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”

Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.

I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…

“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:

5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)