*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
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Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was