A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
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My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
Henry: mom did you know that criminals can go to heaven?
Me: yes like if they believe in Jesus and ask him for forgiveness?
Henry: no like if they break in
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
Somebody call the cops.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date