A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
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Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
In retrospect the What Would Dave Grohl Do wristbands might not be the can’t miss million dollar idea that I thought they would be
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him