You Might Also Like
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
Thank you corporation very cool
My son didn’t want to get up for school today, so I promised him that if he got up and went to school today, I wouldn’t make him go tomorrow.
We were about halfway to the bus stop when he realized that it’s Friday.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Attempts to look badass by performing a call to summon the wolves
Gets tackled by 15 rats instead
asking my doctor to give me the Marilyn Manson rib removal surgery to make more room for the hotdog eating contest
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Five minutes before my break:
“Hi, I need some computer help. I need to sign into this website but to do that I need to get into my email and I don’t know any of the passwords and also I lost my phone but I assume that won’t be a problem.”
“Friday the 13th sent you, didn’t it?”
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer