A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
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If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
#Thanos #MondayMood
If you want to avoid dementia, choose parents without it in their genealogy. Science shows everything is genetic. Especially intelligence
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.