Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?

Alcohol?

I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.

“oh dude you’re gonna want to see this” i yell to my dog from the other room upon seeing 2 squirrels on a fence

My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.

Have you ever been so jealous of an idea

*first date*

Her: I’m a criminologist.

Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.

a whale would make a great christmas tree topper but only if you want a very flat, very wet tree

Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.

…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.

thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow

This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”

And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.

[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircut

HER: I need more volume

ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT

“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*

Me irl

Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u

I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy

PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.

Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.

Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.

O: Joe…

Biden: Trust me.

*Job interview

Him: Any special achievements?

Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed

H: Alright, you’re hired

M: Really?

H: No.

Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.

Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.

Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold

How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:

Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.

therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that

Them: if you could be any animal wha-

Me: rotisserie chicken

My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”

[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?

Dear axe body spray,

Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.

Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.

Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.

Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?

The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less

When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.