A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
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[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
If there’s power banjo and a mandolin in the song, you get to drive five miles over the speed limit in business areas.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
“Should we order some plates to share” omg sure I love that! Or I could just order what I want and be so much happier but totally open to either
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼