“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
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Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
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Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s