Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.

Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?

When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.

Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.

Her: Tell me…

Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?

I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.

This can never not be funny 😭😭

6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?

11: Post Melon

6:

You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it

14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.

My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”

A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me

So I did what any reasonable person would do

Walked into a lamp post and fell over

I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.

These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.

**Pixar Film Themes Guide**

Toy Story: Jealousy

WALL-E: Environmentalism

Up: Bereavement

Cars: Cars

cellmate: how did you get here

me: i took the train

cellmate: no i mean what did you do

me: i just told you

wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class

me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me

My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.

I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.

Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.

Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.

Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*

[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

Please bear with my nonsense…

…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.

I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.

BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?

Just found $27 in my washing machine, it’s a bad day to be an Applebees happy hour

1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*

7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*

[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito

Fun tip:

Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.

*thumbs up*

I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.

me: it is lonely at the top.

therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’