Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.

Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.

calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁

manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim

My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12

“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside

For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…

being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita

My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.

im a single issue voter and this is my issue

roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do

I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.

HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations

THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!

CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.

Me: Gross.

What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it

Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.

Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.

ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?

Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?

Me: *holds up fingers* This many.

Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.

There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.

TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.

Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.

the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.

it’s been 10 years since the rumour came out…

[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more

That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.

Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.

when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it