A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
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Copy Editor is a rewording career.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
“The lights are on but nobody’s home” is such a brutal way to say somebody’s dumb 😭😭😭😭😭
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Me: I’ll take 1 pound of slommy please.
Deli clerk: Um, do you mean salami?
Me (unable to admit when I’m wrong): You call yourself an Italian deli, and you don’t have slommy? Ridiculous.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Almost just got hit by an ambulance, which would have been handy I guess.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
3 Changes I’d Make to Improve Google Search
1. Nobody uses the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button so replace it with a second “Google Search” button
2. Remove the now redundant first “Google Search” button
3. Add a fun new button beside the Google Search button named “I’m Feeling Lucky”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*