A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?![]()
You Might Also Like
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
![]()
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
massage therapist asked how I felt about chiropractics and I told her the guy who invented it says he learned it from a ghost and that shut the conversation down pretty quick
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
![]()
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
“we will go ahead and make these changes if we don’t hear from you before friday” is such an elegant way to solve problems
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
The doctor tried using the stethoscope on CJ and he goes “no no, EYE baby doc” and tried using the stethoscope on the doctor 🤣 doc goes “hey man I worked hard to use this stethoscope, what are your credentials?” Cj goes “im baby” doc goes “ok that’s fair you can go first” 😂😂
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.